Strength. sometimes it finds you

Just the other morning, I was walking out of the gas station on my way to my second job.   I stepped off the sidewalk into the parking lot, looking down as I bundled my coat tighter around me bracing against the icy winter wind, at my feet lay a scrap of paper, what appeared to be a business card.  There was a word written on the card in blue pin, simply : STRENGTH...  At first I simply hurried by, in a rush to get to my van and speed off to work, but then something stopped me.  Turning around I walked over and stood above the tattered message abandoned on the pavement.  It had been run over many times and had nearly become a piece of the parking lot.  I read it again:  in all caps, STRENGTH...  I thought to pick it up, but again something stopped me and instead I stood there in the morning cold, simply looking at this simple word. I can only imagine what the station attendant must have thought as she watched me as I stood there dumb founded...  I've seen words, billions of them.  I've seen scraps of paper, litter and trash all over the place, but this one little piece of cardstock on this day stopped me in my tracks.  Finally I pulled out my phone, snapped a picture and parted ways, leaving this simple, yet powerful message in it's place for the next person to find.  In the time since, this is what I've been thinking:( so bear with me!)

My brain is a weird sort of place, and often a hard one to reconcile as it's set up like a mega plex theater.  I have at times dozens and up to hundreds of movie screens inside my head.  Some "movies" play randomly, like the memory of a flooded street as a child, while others are far more under my command, and everyday, I relive my past, look to my future and consider the options taken, not taken and still to come, essentially this means I think A LOT and it wasn't long before the reality of my day started to kick in. Traffic, plans for my work day and issues with my personal life, quickly found their way into my thoughts.  It was new years eve, and as I do to often I found myself thinking about the past year ( and more) about my current struggles and all the problems that seem to dog my life.  This past year has been a roller coaster ride to be sure!  I've expreienced some massive highs, and some dark sinking lows, and quickly it seems the dark of the lowest times stains the light of the good.  I try to be a positive guy and even harder try to focus on the good stuff and what I can do to make things better, but of late that's become a tough battle for me.  It pains me to look back at segments of my life.  I don't mean to imply that it's been bad, or even that I would really change any of it, but lately there has been a clarity cast on my past and with clarity sometimes comes the reality of facing up to things, long filed away and while never forgotten, seldom drug out for inspection. 

In light of some of the tragedies that have happened in the past year it seems almost arrogant to even consider ones own issues as problems at all, thinking back to my youth I still can't fairly compare to the loss and pain suffered by far to many people of late, yet inside ones own mind it is easy to get lost in self pity and remorse.   For my own part I seem to blame myself for things even when I know it's not really my fault.  The falling out between my mother and I was a nuclear bomb for my family and as of yet no one seems to be very interested in a truthful resolution or even a feeling of culpability.  Instead judgments seem to be cast, blame placed and never disputed, and divisions set seemingly in stone.  Hurt feelings and perhaps more so shattered images or ideals have caused such a rift that it seems easier to move on in different directions than to even attempt to see the truth.  (and you wonder where black sheep comes from?)  I've come to terms with the lifelong reality that my role within my family is to burden the fault.  Whether it bear truthfulness, matters not, but by blaming me they seem to be better at moving on.  Perhaps it's strength to accept this? I don't know. 

This year I accepted the blame for the final failure of my relationship.  Far to often I sat angry, focused on what I thought was the faults and shortcomings of the other, wondering what did I do to deserve this...  I am angry at myself  for the way I acted and felt.  It scares me to know that I could feel such animosity toward someone who really was doing their best for me.  I'm not sure even what started it or when but I had held on to every negative feeling and every bruise of my ego until there was little left but rage, anger and blame directed at the person I was supposed to be supporting.  I don't mean to pass the buck but it's very easy to mirror the roles we are raised with and in my case both of my parents, seemed to be so enormously unhappy with the other and blind to the fact that the issues and shortcomings go both  ways.  My dad used to run out the back door when my mother came home, while my mother would seem most angry just to have had to come home.  I can remember daily the scene of near panic in the supposed head of the household upon hearing the car door in the driveway, everyday was spent in avoidance and trying to lessen the conflict between people who were supposed to be my relationship role models.  It really brought to mind my impact on my three children because of the actions we had taken under their watchful eyes.   It makes me feel very guilty that because I wasn't strong enough they had to see so much of the same.  It sucks when relationships fail, but I'm confused as to why exactly in so many cases the end has to be so nasty and ugly as it was with my parents.  what's worse is when family members who once loved you learn of the split, the first thing they do is get mad, pick sides and get to hating!  The world would be so much the better if people would agree to the degree that the situation sucks, but help to move on with a positive plan of action and love, not blame, anger and finger pointing.   It's been very hard over the past few years to have gone through such a range of emotions only to realize that although we are not the right fit to truely live together fully, we are good friends, and do love each other.   I've shared a huge part of my life with her and having realized my own faults and shortcomings, it makes it impossible to be mad or to blame her.  Where I had once hated her ( as much as I hate to admit I felt that way) I now only feel regret and a need to support her and to be a better friend then I was a husband.  It sounds very strange I'm sure to some but letting go of the anger and bitterness I had so much of towards her was at first very hard, but one of the best things I have ever done.   Instead of thinking about all the things I was mad about and had often wrongfully blamed her for I can focus instead on building a relationship based on our 3 awesome kids and a friendship that supports her like I never did in the past.  The idea of presenting my children the relationship model we had built or the one I think we are creating now gives me a sense of hope I never had before.  Instead of saying I focus on love and peace, actually living that way. It seems that even when I felt I had none, strength found me here too.

The cake business...  You've all heard me say it if you've ever read a blog from me before: it's a bitch.  I've done some great things this year to be sure!  I've traveled around the world and met some beautiful people.  Carey, I and friends held one of the biggest cake events in the world and proudly shared the positivity and joy we and our awesome cake friends have with thousands of cake fans.  I've taught classes in 3 countries with excited students all sharing a common love of creativity and love expressed in cake form. Set a world record and even managed to make a few cakes I'm pretty proud of.  Add to that this year alone over 20,000 people have read this blog, I've had articles published globally and people still enjoy my DVD's  and one would say I'm doing great.  How could I feel like I'm failing at it so?  Maybe it's all the other drama that's been so strong this year, and the fact that due to the economic downturn many people just don't order cakes like they used to.  Thanks to the "walmartification" ( i made that up) of the industry many people order based on price alone and can't justify paying anything extra for a truely awesome cake.  I've found myself unable to keep the bills paid, struggling each week just to stay afloat.  It's been a busy year no doubt, but a profit still eludes me.  I've been working on all that I must do so much that everything else has suffered.  I work each day as a painter and building maintenance guy, often 7 days a week, and do cakes at night sometimes all night.  After six months of 12 hour days then coming to the shop afterwards to try and put together a cake business, it's very hard to say I enjoy doing a cake.  Often I find myself wishing I could just go hang out with the kids or as I used to do, ride a bike!  My passion is Cakefest and the Tv show we've been trying so hard to pitch, but when exhaustion is the primary force in my life, it's hard to persue that dream.  Cakefest isn't done to make a profit...  It's done to raise money for worthy charities and to have fun.  But in it's self is a full time job. 

The TV pitch I've mentioned many times. As I think I've eluded to before I have been asked several times by several different groups for show ideas.  It seems to go in spurts and each time I get excited and allow myself to get drawn into a weird twisted world where the people in charge consider shows like "honey boo boo" golden.  The concept is simple and in the past I've worried about sharing it as it's so easy to "steal"!  But at this point?  The idea is focused not so much on cake.  It's true that my own background is pretty diverse.  I've done a lot and lived through a ton, from nearly dieing at the hands of a drunk driver, molestation, family troubles and the more positive list of cool jobs I've had ranging from race car driver, CPR instructor, self defense assistant, security, to roofing, to working in a cave at 30 below.  I've traveled a lot especially recently and with each experience I've learned that there are countless good people focused on doing the most good they can EVERYwhere!  The show's intent is to showcase the everyday, unsung heros of the nation/ world who never get the attention they deserve. ( everything these days focuses on the bad and most "out there" people) By celebrating each of them individually, we celebrate the whole.  Until yesterday I had thought the show was simply about what they do and why, but having found this fateful card on the ground it donned on me the truth.  The heart and soul of the show idea is S.T.R.E.N.G.T.H...  We all have it.  Sometimes we don't see it.  As I surely didn't and still have trouble doing so.  We all have it and it is what makes us do what we often must, and sometimes pushes us to want more, want to do more and want to be more!  It's what we see in others that inspires us to follow and even to lead the way.  Strength often will make us say what need be said, do what is right and defend those who may need it. 

Life is about finding the direction and strength is the fuel that gets us there.

At a time when I felt I had none left, and that my tank had run dry.  I found it.  Laying in a parking lot, mashed into the pavement, written in blue pen.


 

Peace N Love
m







P.S. since this is a new years post, all my love and Thanks to everyone who has impacted me so much!  Thanks to Carey, Angela, My kids Tabby, Alyssa, Ethan, Dad,Jesse L, Richard F, Heuy H, Duane D, Rachel E, Michelle B,Rosalynne C, Chris H.,Lynette and Dennis, John & Robin, Eric L,Debbie G and Chris H, David G, Jasper M,   Kathy and Dan F, Ed H,  Ruth R, Peggy and Lonnie T, Bob B, Clara G , Eric & Patty W, Teresa H and family, Nelson F, Jay Q, Jaime W, Caroline W, John C (SGC), Collin my camera dude,   Honor Flight Gary L, Erin and Vets, and everyone that saw fit to take a class from me, watch a demo or support me in any way!~  I've been fortunate tho I sometimes forget to have met and love so many great and awesome people.  I know I'm forgetting you, but you know I truely love you all!